i found my old backpack the other day. as i went through the contents the memories came back as if they were yesterday. found my old bracelet, pens, eyeliner and my old diary papers. i haven’t read through those papers in so long. the memories, the good times, the first love, the saddness. i cried alot that day 

I leave for Calgary in less than a month. then its christmas and then i’m on a plane to Fort Lauderdale, Florida and finally Guyana.

I’m excited and as much as people are so worried about me, my health, the kidnappings i’m not worried about going to Guyana. there are certain things that i have a serious fear about. these things are both illogical and foolish. Yet when i am faced with a trip to Georgetown, Guyana apparently one of the most dangerous places for tourists to be and i’m heading directly there. to the capital. the only thing that scares me right now is if i’ll get back in time for my test.

God will be with me. If he wants me to come back alive then he’ll bring me back alive. If God wants me to die then so let it be i just hope that it will somehow benefit someone. i would rather die then get sick. i can’t get sick cuz i need to do that test.

oh my adventures. pray that i’ll be led to do wonderous things someday. maybe in Guyana or maybe somewhere else.

I graduated from college yesterday. I whipped through very quickly. I didn’t stay to enjoy. In fact i skipped the graduation. Grads have never been my thing. I’ve never seen the purpose in them. I’m happy with the school just paying for a postage stamp and sending me the damn certificate.

I guess it would make me a nurse. I got my interm license in the mail today. i probably will never use it but it is exciting. basically, for people that don’t know, an interm license is a license i can use to work before i actually do the licensing exam in january.

the whole excitement has kind of worn off. I used to think that as a nurse i could conquer the world. Save lives and countries. I’m getting a more realistic perspective. The power i once saw within my grasp has disappeared all too quickly. i just want to make a difference. Do I have to be a pompous doctor before i can do that?

i have a twisted view of love. I give it to people that don’t deserve it, and the people that love me most are the people that rarely see it. I am proud and selfish. 2 qualities that i am neither proud of.  its twisted…

i’ve had alot of close calls in my life. you can call them near misses if u’d like. death has always just missed me. if you know me well then u know the truth in that statement. several times i have fallen asleep at the wheel, ran a red light or a stop sign. i don’t know how or why God has helped me each and everytime. It has to be God, there is no other explanation. my question is why? why save me? i’m no saint. i rarely read the Bible. I eat in my car and forget to pray and i rarely go to church and when i do i don’t last the whole way through the service. why me? i ask…