i’m thinking of piercing my ears and streaking my hair, i feel sometimes, my image that i portray to others is the scrubby clean version but i dont think thats me and i think people need to see that…i don’t know the whole thing might just sound utterly immature whatever its 12:30am who gives a crap

life is hard and difficult sometimes i wonder why i bother. i feel not needed, i mean i want to help so much and yet i can’t. today i read the letter from the sponser child and she sounded so genuine, so simple and happy and i wanted that happinesses. i wanted that simple joy. hmmm ahh well this too shall pass…

finished my essay sad, and i don’t know why, i talked to someone the other day, she told me that its ok not to have motivation, she thinks i’m depressed and that i need pills so whatever, i honestly think she should just go to hell anyways i’m sad and unhappy so i better go before i put horrible things on here ttyl all

I learned something new today, i went to church and i learned a new word, Selah. it means a holy pause. i thought about it and well it think i need more of these in my life. When i think back on this year i say how that was a crappy year. and after hearing the sermon today i learned, i need to stop keeping my grief and sadness in. i need to tell it to God. This year my New Years resolution is simply two things: 1) to bless other people and help them 2) to loose weight cuz i feel i’ve gained this past year. i think i need to stop thinking of myself i have made myself believe that my prespective on things is the only perspective. anyways i read a good quote today by C.S. Lewis

“We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.”

i love it because i think the only way that i can progress in this life is by doing a quick U turn, i’m so proud like my father i need to just admit that i’m wrong and turn around because the further i go down this wrong road the further i will need to walk back.

i’m trying to understand myself this week i need to read Psalms 77. anyways a really scarying thing happened today, i was asked to sing up front in church and well it seems i’m on the schedule now and will be singing next week! hmm am i ok with that i wonder, i think i am, but today scared the hell out of me, tis life we get a bit scared every once in a while we need to examine ourselves. anyhow i better get going happy new year all, night/ morning