I have often wondered what i believe in, what are my beliefs? Do i believe in God? Honestly i have often asked who is the man? A good friend of mine once told me that we relate God to what our parents act and do, i find sad because i know alot of people who have a really twisted image of God, i’m scared to have kids because i’m afraid that i might shake their faith because i’m not a perfect person. My parents aren’t the greatest, maybe they try, which is quite possible, but nevertheless i have never seen God has humble and meek not until a few days ago because there has been a good friend who i have often related to as a father to me. He reminds me often of what God is like through his own kind actions. Anyways i pray that i will be like that someday especially to my kids.

well i’ve had an interesting week filled with unexpected events filled with both sadness and happiness. i often wonder though, should i think of it as good? i don’t know. i just want to go for a walk and see the christmas lights and forget about the utmost confusion i put myself in. Maybe this whole arrangement that i made with another person is pointless i often wonder and wrestle with this idea. maybe its just like James Blunt says,

“You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.”

anyways i’m happy if he is happy thats life, you love with all you heart hoping that something will happen and when it doesn’t i’ve learned not to be disappointed i’ve been hurt many times and i understand rejection, maybe not love but i do understand rejection. anyways i just hope that someday “i will love someone like him” (like the song) anyways time will tell in a way i’m dreading the end because i might be extremly sad then or extremly sad. Its either i’m boiling hot or freezing cold, extremes come with every situation oh well. i’ll keep praying and maybe i’ll go for a good run tonight i need it. God bless!

PS: if anyone is going to leave a comment please don’t and if you really want to answer this question first, what is your definition of love?

i don’t know what to say i’m speechless, absolutely speechless. I don’t even have the words to describe what i have been through in the past few days. maybe i just shouldn’t say anything for a while it seems that when ever i say something it seems to come out the wrong way…utterly stupid. So i have learned that i am the smartest when i am quiet so i will stay that way….for a while longer lol weird posti know oh well

tonight i waited for someone to come online really bad and he didn’t come and isntead i heard from someone else. someone who maybe i shouldn’t have talked to, anyways i better go i don’t know anymore, i’m confused so confused. whatever i said about love well now i’m just confused we’ll see tomarrow later christmas is almost here! anyways bye till next time….

well i learned something new tonight, i need to stop trying to fix everyone’s problems and just leave it in God’s problem because i think he’s the only one who will be able to solve this one. i have finally come to the conclusion that i’m in love, terribly in love and i don’t think i will ever be cured. i hate him sometimes and i get angry and yet i’m so unhappy without him. I’ve also decided i’m going to go on this mission trip, i need to go, i want to go so i think i should. I have other reason why i shouldn’t go but that is besides the point, also $ has become the issue of the century. i hate money i hate it with a passion. i’m happy homework has finally caught up with me, wait…other way around, anyways things are going pretty good ttyl

Things are changing so drastically lately and yet i watch the old country roads that i drive on everyday to school and i see that nothing changes here so why does it change in my life? I hate life, just when you think you made a good choice and you think your life is changing for the better you learn that it has gotten worse or maybe even more confusing and you can’t tell anyone because especially not the people that you want to tell. When your alone @ night thinking of who to tell, how to tell you begin to wonder, why would they want to hear my problems so you talk to God and instead of talking about your own problems you voice others problems and your utmost sadness to the creator of the universe and i feel stupid sometimes. God gave me this life and yet it keeps screwing up why can’t i fix the present he gave me. Its like getting a present for christmas and not being able to make it work even with the directions. Its just all too confusing i don’t want to see anyone anymore i don’t want to do anything either. It just all seems so pointless i mean how stupid could i be. And i have been getting this very disturbing email lately and its screwing up my life (careful what you read spoken from experience) well right now i’m @ school trying to sort out papers of my teachers and i can’t even sort out my own life let alone my sister’s, mine, my mothers, my father’s, my friends, my teachers and the list goes on. Here i’m happy to help and yet i don’t want to help myself. I just want to go somewhere far away, i look out the window everyday thinking what if i could just run, i keep my window open every night wondering when i will get the courage to just jump out and run, i may come back…. Its pointless why do words, just simple words trouble me so much. I feel lonely really lonely and yet i have so many people near me its absolutely crazy. All day people have been asking me what is wrong? Are you okay? and you wait because you don’t want to hear it from these people who want to know simply for gossip, no you want that person who you want to tell your problems to, to ask and if they don’t then i don’t think i will ever tell. and i don’t thihk thats a bad thing. I am worried that my sister’s decision might kill my mother i am very worried for her. I am worried for others as well. Someday everything will be good but right now its turmoil, literal turmoil and i hate it i want Christmas, i want to be able to walk down my street alone at night and see the christmas lights and not have to worry about her. There are so many decisions to be made, you want to tell someone, but who do you trust enough that it won’t hurt them, nor will it hurt you (because they may tell someone your secret). Secrets are apart of our society i don’t know why some people have such a problem with them. They are apart of life and if we reject them do we reject life. anyways i must go and finish sorting out papers. Pray for miracles please because i know someone that needs one…and maybe me too

Why do little things bother me, why do i care what others think about me? Why am i so sensitive? Why do i crave for love sometimes and yet refuse to hang out with people? Why do i want happiness for others so terribly and i seem to refuse that i will ever be happy? Its ironic! Life is absolutly ironic. I want to talk to certain people i want to tell people certain things and yet i can’t because i look @ them and i say they’re happy why would they want to know anything about me. Shared burden! I laugh in the face of this statement, its not true, today i let a good friend read a terrible email and i made her cry. I should never have done that. Why share your life with someone that has enough to worry about? Its sad i’ve been listen to music almost every night (listen as i fall asleep) and well each song reminds me of someone and it has always been reminding me of one person and i think its the wrong person. I should stop thinking that way and yet i do it all the time. I till myself that its wrong and yet i dwell on the idea of him everyday its stupid. Sometimes i can be so stupid. anyways these are the two songs that have been on my mind i love them both (along with countless others). Its a very simple song but i think this is why i have had such a bad life lately i think i’ll find him someway some how. I don’t know i could all be foolish talk oh well. who cares i’ve stopped caring completely. Whatever!

Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

“You’re Beautiful”
James Blunt

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high, [ - video/radio edited version]
Fucking high, [ - CD version]
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

when you think that you have a friend sometimes you learn you just can’t trust everyone, sometimes you just get stabbed in the back and it just hurts even more. i’m sad someone was really mean to me just a little while ago and it hurt i just could be too sensitive. but nevertheless it hurt. anyways there are some people that you want to share you problems with but you know they need more help then you do so you keep quiet, and then there are others who simply want to know so they can help a simple problem & be hero (ahem..unknown CAPP teacher) and life goes on. why do people trreasure their lives so much when it can turn out like this. oh well. there are times when i wish i could save the world but there are also times when the world and all its hatred towards me, bites and i wonder why in heaven’s name do i want to help the same thing that hurts me. oh well anyways i must be going baby clothes to sort for someone, if you read my blog i will pray for you God Bless! and please don’t pray for me, just pray for miracles!

i went driving tonight with my dad and we spent some quality time together and he was really patient and kind. And later i drove home, which was a fair distance and on the road (i’m lucky i stayed in my lane lol) but i’m unhappy still. sad really sad, i don’t want to do any homework, i just want to go outside and watch the stars and the snow. i’ve been thinking carefully, i have learned that my thoughts and actions affect others and maybe too much.

i’ve learned something new today, something that i have heard before and now have come to realize, i’m the most intelligent when i don’t say anything. interesting huh? I think i found a dream, but i don’t think its my exact dream i feel like i stole it from someone else, but nevertheless its a dream. I want to build a christian cafe and hold church there on certain nights, i want to have couches and places for a band to perform. I also want a couple computers on the side hooked up the internet and have a speaker come in regularly once a week. I want to build a community like that and THEN build a church with that small community, from there the sky is the limit, that is my dream. but my ultimate dream is for this to take place not here, but in South Africa. yes that is what i want, the only thing stopping me though is the career i must choose in between, i want to become a nurse or a teacher (whatever doesn’t envolved math 12…actually any math of ANY form lol) i want to become both ideally and i want to serve in an orphanage, and honestly i want someone special to be able to share the adventure with, but if there isn’t someone there with me i would still do it because that is what i want to do. i used to say that my dreams are important before and that i never wanted to share them with anyone but now i see in order to accomplish them i must tell people. I contradict on a regular basis and according to my father and many other people my worst trait is that i’m a habitual liar. I overreact and overexagerate i’m a horrible person which is probably no wonder why guys don’t come my way (at least not the right ones). I’m also a very selfish person and can get very jealous, sometimes i doubt, “how in the world am i ever going to be a missionary, how could i love serving so much if i’m selfish,” i’m a confusing person, even to me. I honestly remind myself of a the snow i’ve seen on the ground today…i’m just meant for sitting pretty, thats what i’m therefore because once i start to get handled i become useless (wet and boring). this is probably why i don’t touch snow too much lol. Anyways its just a thought. Today i was watching my younger brothers sleeping in the car, they look so innocent and naiive. i feel bad, why bring these innocent kids into a hurtful and depressing world, i almost feel like its selfish to bring them into a world like this. i mean are we bring them into this world just for our benefit as parents? i don’t know i’ve often wondered this. These kids are going to have to go through heartbreaks, sadness, drunk drivers, peer pressure all because we brought them into this world. weird. I ask stupid questions i know, sometimes i wonder why God gave me the ability to ask stupid questions if their stupid. Maybe he was actually TRYING to make me look stupid. anyways life goes on and answers can’t always be found, i better sign off and post this stupid thing because i think its getting too long. later (and again sorry for the run on sentences lol)

Till then…wish upon a star, even when there are none there….have hope especially when you don’t have any left

Untitled

I too, was amazed
at how my voice changed
carefree and light,
with a tinkling giggle,
laced with a smile,
at the sound of a door.

And when they left, I’m back as before.

And I’m chastised
by knowing eyes,
understanding my mind,
what’s hidden behind.

Wondering how
my expression’s change,
not conprehending what took place.
Neither do I, but my stained face
betrays me.

Empty words not taken to heart,
Encouragement is just an art
Here, I face an emotional mirror
But I sit numb, not really here

I should listen, I should sympathize
So I look up into those eyes
that urge me to change my life.
But while the sun shines, I’m all right

“Then what’s this you’re feeling inside?”
“I don’t know,” but that’s a lie.
That night, I ventured out alone
Into the dark, not feeling the cold.

Filling my ears is a song of peace
Singing me a bittersweet meolody
To put my restless mind at ease
Using a promise to attract me

Entranced, it beckons me to come
To plunge into depths, so it’ll be gone
Ahead, I look up and see someone
…inquiring why.

“I don’t know,” I reply
This time, that’s not a lie

~A dear friend, that if she wants her name to be here will tell me~

This poem is an amazing poem that a good friend of mine wrote and it talks about a discussion that we had and the utter most sadness i feel sometimes when i worry about her. Anyways enjoy!