You learn from ur mistakes, slowly but surely anyways life can suck sometimes and you begin to wonder if life is really what you thought it was. I guess it obviously isn’t. Maybe its not supposed to be perfect, i just feel like everything i do ends up a mess. i want so much and yet i can’t have. i want to be successful, i want to be independent, i want to hide and yet run, i want this life that can only be possible in a movie. it hurts sometimes and you can feel ur heart breaking over and over and you wonder, why in heaven’s name do i do this over and over. I ask to be hurt, i avoid the compliments and yet when either comes i avoid them like the plague. i contradict myself over and over. what do i want? WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT IN THIS WORLD THAT IS POSSIBLE?! nothing because all i want i cannot have. i am sad tonight, and i don’t know why. i just don’t understand why do people think so highly of me when i’m not that great, smart or beautiful? people can be a mystery. well tomorrow i am going to do something right for once. i am going to do some homework, work on the stupid essay, read a book, go for a run and not watch ANY tv. i’ve been doing too much of that. right now i’m listening to Van Morisson on tv (weird show but good music). i love van morisson i think, i love jazz i think. sometimes i wish i could dance or something i don’t know. i don’t like having opinions i’ve given up on that a long time ago i guess. anyways its like 3:30 AM and i feel like watching another movie i guess i’m depressed. i feel like i want something i can never have. there is a time in everyone’s life when they reality hits them and it can hurt and wound a person for a long time…i guess i need to just get away for a while and lick my wounds a bit, such is life…sometimes you need to just get away a bit….i want to go outside and stare at the sky i might do that i guess but i’ll have to crawl out my bedroom window i don’t want to wake anyone, anyhow till next time….