i am so sad, i cried for a long time tonight and i don’t know why, maybe i do know i’m just avoiding it i don’t know. i just want to go somewhere safe where i know i can’t be hurt anymore. I mean i ask to be hurt so why cry when it actually happens i don’t know. I have a glass house and yet i through stones like an idiot. God i can be stupid. i’m crying like a fool for what, for love, for friendship i don’t know, actually do know. All i ever want in life is for someone to just hold me when i crying, hold me when i go to sleep that is all i want. I would die happy if this happened i believe, anyways i’m just gonna let go i give up. I totally give up everything is just too hard, but maybe i’m just filling the gutters on this one and not taking good look at the big picture. i dont’ know maybe i like filling the gutters with pointless stuff. wow it hurts it hurts alot and i dont’ know why.

anyways i’m thinking of loosing weight this christmas for a change it will be good for me. i’ll get homework done fix a few problems and fill this stupid hole in my heart. anyways i need to get to bed but i have been getting major pains in my chest and stomach. weird huh? anyways the baby is sleeping on the couch (i’m scared he’s gonna fall off) anyways i need a break i need to keep running, i want to run away and yet i have no where to go. if i were to run i would go to probably the only place i feel safe but its locked for the holidays or across the street from there but its pretty cold and damp who knows. whatever night all, this just might be the worst christmas ever….