Weird post i know, anyways i just finished taking off my black nail polish and i was thinking, some people wear the stuff not to look pretty or anything, i wear it particularily to reflect my moods. you know people the phrase, “i wear my feels on my sleeve.” well i wear it on my nails. anyways i have to go clean up my room and i have to change the song its good but its making me depressed. till next time….

i’m tired and exhausted from doing what? absolutely nothing. i just finished scanning over a friends essay that she wrote for english. She’s good she’s remarkable, there are alot of people that can do such amazing things. i wish i had a talent like that hmm life can be a mystery. i’m pretty boring maybe thats why i don’t tell many people about myself i would rather they dream up my accomplishments and acheievements because i don’t believe i have any. Maybe its low self esteem i don’t know. “relax” my counselor should go to hell i have honestly always believed that relaxing was for old people or rather….rich people. People who have money have the time to sit around, i don’t, so why do i stay standing here lazing around, that my friend is the mystery. why do other people get to ask the questions, why won’t my father let me ask a few. I don’t know. I’m tired and yet i have been sleeping all day. I really need to claim some motivation because i’m seriously lacking it. anyways i better go this is a depressing post, oh well its among the many other depressing posts that i have already written, this entire blog is depressing so why in the world are you still reading it, i don’t know maybe its another mystery….

You learn from ur mistakes, slowly but surely anyways life can suck sometimes and you begin to wonder if life is really what you thought it was. I guess it obviously isn’t. Maybe its not supposed to be perfect, i just feel like everything i do ends up a mess. i want so much and yet i can’t have. i want to be successful, i want to be independent, i want to hide and yet run, i want this life that can only be possible in a movie. it hurts sometimes and you can feel ur heart breaking over and over and you wonder, why in heaven’s name do i do this over and over. I ask to be hurt, i avoid the compliments and yet when either comes i avoid them like the plague. i contradict myself over and over. what do i want? WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT IN THIS WORLD THAT IS POSSIBLE?! nothing because all i want i cannot have. i am sad tonight, and i don’t know why. i just don’t understand why do people think so highly of me when i’m not that great, smart or beautiful? people can be a mystery. well tomorrow i am going to do something right for once. i am going to do some homework, work on the stupid essay, read a book, go for a run and not watch ANY tv. i’ve been doing too much of that. right now i’m listening to Van Morisson on tv (weird show but good music). i love van morisson i think, i love jazz i think. sometimes i wish i could dance or something i don’t know. i don’t like having opinions i’ve given up on that a long time ago i guess. anyways its like 3:30 AM and i feel like watching another movie i guess i’m depressed. i feel like i want something i can never have. there is a time in everyone’s life when they reality hits them and it can hurt and wound a person for a long time…i guess i need to just get away for a while and lick my wounds a bit, such is life…sometimes you need to just get away a bit….i want to go outside and stare at the sky i might do that i guess but i’ll have to crawl out my bedroom window i don’t want to wake anyone, anyhow till next time….

you know whats weird? I wish that i had a talent, something that i could call my own. oh well i guess i’m in a weird mood. i learned that i don’t have many things that people can say, “wow she does really well that….” etc etc I wish i could do that. So i wonder why do people like me and care about me. What the hell do i do that makes them feel that way?

i have learned that there are many things in this world that i doubt i will ever be able to do.

1) Never be able to find the one
2) I can’t fix people no matter how much i want to
3) I can’t find true love because it will never come
4) I can’t make snow fall from the sky
5) I can’t watch scary movies without screaming or someone near by
6) I can’t park very well with the van
7) I can’t ride a motorcycle
8) I can’t cut my own hair
9) I can’t listen very well
10) I can’t hate any animal not matter what it looks like or what it does to me

Well its Christmas day and well, i’ve already had a fight with my father this morning @ like 10:00am, why do i cry and break down. Maybe thats a sign of weakness. dammit. Christmas this year sucks! you know suicide rate is this highest this time of year, sometimes i’m tempted to just add one more death to the stats. anyways merry christmas all. i’m sorry that im being so cynical but its true till next time

its christmas eve, i’m @ my cousins right now. It kind of weird they have a nice house. and well i have learned that either you’re the ones laughed at or your the one laughing. weird huh? I wish i could fix people’s problems. My councelor is kind of weird, maybe i have just watched too many movies on phycology or whatever and i think that maybe i can solve her problems, and that maybe she might be able to scratch the surface of mine i don’t know whatever. we’ll see. ttyl

I’ve been watching tv for a long time, and i’m getting dizzy maybe too much television in one day. anyways today i have done practically nothing, had tomato soup, cleaned my room (it was a disaster), did a bit of homework, painted my nails (black maybe its my mood) and lazed around the house. one of my best friends just arrived here a few days ago but i probably won’t get to see her till after Christmas. I can’t believe it tomarrow’s christmas eve and i feel nothing absolutely nothing its sad i wish i did. Anyways i received my christmas present from various people already, one of them was from her…she gave me back my wallet last night. wow. well anyways i better go exercise or something i’m trying to lose weight this christmas so i better go till next time….

well i’m doing better today, alot better. i had a pretty rocky day yesterday and i left my dad’s house in the middle of our visit i was supposed to stay till christmas eve but things were getting bad and i just needed a break. well anyways i’m feels alot better i’m @ home, i saw one of my best friends in the entire world last night. He doesn’t talk nor hear very well, which is probably why he’s my best friend lol. anyways i’m feeling better, christmas is still gonna be kind of weird. Last night i kind of went back home, home. and well it was weird being to a place where i grew up and yet i can’t grow up there anymore. wow there are many improvements that have occured which i am going to keep to myself but otherwise people just pray for snow and for miracles, because i believe that is what we all need this christmas. anyways God bless all till next time….

i am so sad, i cried for a long time tonight and i don’t know why, maybe i do know i’m just avoiding it i don’t know. i just want to go somewhere safe where i know i can’t be hurt anymore. I mean i ask to be hurt so why cry when it actually happens i don’t know. I have a glass house and yet i through stones like an idiot. God i can be stupid. i’m crying like a fool for what, for love, for friendship i don’t know, actually do know. All i ever want in life is for someone to just hold me when i crying, hold me when i go to sleep that is all i want. I would die happy if this happened i believe, anyways i’m just gonna let go i give up. I totally give up everything is just too hard, but maybe i’m just filling the gutters on this one and not taking good look at the big picture. i dont’ know maybe i like filling the gutters with pointless stuff. wow it hurts it hurts alot and i dont’ know why.

anyways i’m thinking of loosing weight this christmas for a change it will be good for me. i’ll get homework done fix a few problems and fill this stupid hole in my heart. anyways i need to get to bed but i have been getting major pains in my chest and stomach. weird huh? anyways the baby is sleeping on the couch (i’m scared he’s gonna fall off) anyways i need a break i need to keep running, i want to run away and yet i have no where to go. if i were to run i would go to probably the only place i feel safe but its locked for the holidays or across the street from there but its pretty cold and damp who knows. whatever night all, this just might be the worst christmas ever….