You know whats weird i am not motivated. Today i learned something very sad, a friend of mine who i had helped a long time ago, her father just died last night and from this i came to understand something, every single day and every single minute of our lives a child looses his/ her father, whether its to death, sickness, divorce or even just plain neglect. I miss my father, i need “a” father. I have my Father in Heaven but lately i haven’t heard from him and i feel like i’m falling apart. He’s here somewhere its just i can’t feel him i can feel someone telling me that it’s going to be alright. there are many life threatening instances in our life that encourage us to take a closer look at our lives. The other night i played volleyball, i am a setter on the team and well one of our best setter cut out, what is the point of being on a team when nobody wants you there. i feel bad because i’m always letting them down and yet there are times when i enjoy playing, so do i stop because it would better serve others or keeping going because it would better serve myself. i don’t want to be selfish i am normally a very selfish person but as of right now i don’t actually care anymore. I don’t care what people think of me nor what i think of myself. I just know that if i were to stay in this world i wouldn’t be able to help people because i have been prevented from helping myself as well as the people around me. I can’t even do the job that i have dreamed about for years (missionary work) because certain people are now preventing me, my father for instance only cares about his money and the welfare of others (when i say welfare i mean in dollar form) he wants me to make a big living and yet i just want to live with nothing big in a country far from here with only children who need a parent a person to guide and care for them. that is all i want and it is all i will never have until my parents die or i die. So i am left with a choice to endure till then or to stop now.

I don’t understand how is it that there are people in our world who can handle everything. I see kids like this everyday kids who don’t take a book to school, sleep during class and do every extracuricular activity under the sun and have straight “A’s” i just dont understand why didn’t God make me one of those individuals? i have so much to do and i really should get back to work, the time is ticking…