What does one do when they have lost all motivation to live and to succeed in this life time?

i think there should be a class for computer illiterate parents, today i tried to get my mother to email me my other half of my lab from home because my disk wouldn’t open up at school it took almost a full 1/2 an hour to get her to understand the problem and by the end of it i gave up and will do my lab for the weekend oh well.

Computer make the world go round and a round and a round and a round…and now i am officially dizzy!

Last night even though i went to bed kind of early (midnight!) I ended up staying awake till almost 3 am thinking about all the things i could do in the world. Could it be possible that there are certain people in the world today who were born only to serve. I failed another math test today i didn’t exactly fail either math test its just it was a couple %’s off of failing so i consider it failing. anyways i don’t actually care anymore. I am going to make a difference in this world. I want to do so much and yet i don’t know how i need help to get there. so i want to ask a very serious question…

Who knows of any ideas that i could do and use as service to God?

maybe i don’t know you maybe i have never met you but if you read my blog, or maybe am reading this stupid thing for the first time please answer to this question it will only take a minute in and a half i need to know and i want to know. I want to do some good in this world and i need some ideas. When i get a little older i want to move to South Africa as a missionary (when i move out) and i want to offer something. I just dont know what will not need alot of schooling and is something that is a need in South Africa i also want to help out down in the states for Katrina i want to do so much and yet i have nothing. So give me something people give me your ears and ideas i want to know how! I want to work in a local orphanage i want to heal children i want to love the unloveable and i want to know how i can do this. I want to be like mother Teressa (not like mother/ father). So please people, please answer…

“We always find that those who walked closest to Christ were those who had to bear the greatest trials.” – St. Teresa of Avila

You know whats weird i am not motivated. Today i learned something very sad, a friend of mine who i had helped a long time ago, her father just died last night and from this i came to understand something, every single day and every single minute of our lives a child looses his/ her father, whether its to death, sickness, divorce or even just plain neglect. I miss my father, i need “a” father. I have my Father in Heaven but lately i haven’t heard from him and i feel like i’m falling apart. He’s here somewhere its just i can’t feel him i can feel someone telling me that it’s going to be alright. there are many life threatening instances in our life that encourage us to take a closer look at our lives. The other night i played volleyball, i am a setter on the team and well one of our best setter cut out, what is the point of being on a team when nobody wants you there. i feel bad because i’m always letting them down and yet there are times when i enjoy playing, so do i stop because it would better serve others or keeping going because it would better serve myself. i don’t want to be selfish i am normally a very selfish person but as of right now i don’t actually care anymore. I don’t care what people think of me nor what i think of myself. I just know that if i were to stay in this world i wouldn’t be able to help people because i have been prevented from helping myself as well as the people around me. I can’t even do the job that i have dreamed about for years (missionary work) because certain people are now preventing me, my father for instance only cares about his money and the welfare of others (when i say welfare i mean in dollar form) he wants me to make a big living and yet i just want to live with nothing big in a country far from here with only children who need a parent a person to guide and care for them. that is all i want and it is all i will never have until my parents die or i die. So i am left with a choice to endure till then or to stop now.

I don’t understand how is it that there are people in our world who can handle everything. I see kids like this everyday kids who don’t take a book to school, sleep during class and do every extracuricular activity under the sun and have straight “A’s” i just dont understand why didn’t God make me one of those individuals? i have so much to do and i really should get back to work, the time is ticking…

This might sound really weird but i wish i had cancer i think my life would be alot more meaningful and purpose driven…

I have been blessed, i have been blessed throughout my life with good teachers the only problem is i don’t concentrate nor learn very well. there are some people in life that you seriously just want to rip their head off and then there are some that are so nice to you that you feel unworthy. There is this one teacher who has acted like a father to me i need a father every once in a while because the father i have doesn’t act like a father all he cares about is his money and all my mom cares about (in reference to my father) is revenge. its a weird life which is why we need those certain types of people to come in and out of our lives every once in a while. My teachers have done that for me and school has been a little piece of heaven for me. I’m not saying my home life is mad nor am i saying that it is good, every teenager will say that their home life is “bad” i don’t know if there is a difference between bad and really bad. anyways enough of all that i have a question,

Is it better to go through life learning and enjoy learning with a bad grade? OR

Go through life not enjoying any part of being taught and receive a good grade?

i have not a clue of the answer…

I’m failing, not just in school but in life itself i have lost all meaning i don’t want to be here i want to live a short meaningful life, i want to help people but not myself. I would rather die tomarrow and help thousands of children then die of old age without helping anyone. I don’t want to live and it bothers me alot it plagues my life every minute and yet i don’t want to hurt anyone when i do it so i’m trying to find the most plausable and environmentally ok death and yet i can’t find out and i guess God is doing that for a reason, it’s just i can’t hear him i can’t see him and yet i need him ever so dearly right now. i can’t hold on much longer i wish there was somebody that could simply just say, “its going to be ok, you’ll get through this,” but the only reply i will ever get is that “your failing math and your going to have to take it again, how stupid can you be.”

Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.
I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do - that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you’ll be patient and
close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with
all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush,
though, And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case someone doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep
my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too

~Bettie B. Youngs ~

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. Help children at an orphanage
2. Travel to a different continent
3. Be kissed in the rain
4. Make an important discovery
5. Move out
6. Own a cat
7. Play piano in church
8. Sing a solo
9. Write a song
10. Work in a pet store
11. Run away
12. Save a life
13. Become soul mates with an elderly person
14. Punch someone
15. Sponsor a child