I went for a walk tonight and tried to clear my head after last night’s “Now You Know” event of the year…i hate my life i hate it alot more than most people may ever understand and its very difficult trying to write it all down, usually i just think the words and pretend i’m telling them to someone else who actually seems to care but by the time i get to the computer i become speechless…or rather wordless and i rarely ever trespass on such an idea lol. and well love its just this thing that you don’t ever want to live without and can never adjust to it being around until it’s gone. Its kind of sad (if i’m not making sense i’m sorry its just you have to think like me to understand my thoughts because i never write them all down for fear of someone…terrible people finding out my thoughts which is why i am so incredibly secretive. People actually wonder why i can be so quiet about certain things but most people don’t fully comprehend my situation so i keep my lips sealed. ever since i was little i was taught carefully by my elders to keep quiet and never say a word. i feel like an outlaw and i’m ok with that i don’t mind not fitting in because i know He made me to stand out. God Bless! night all…

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
~Unknown~

Weird isn’t it my first love was something like this and i’m still waiting to see if he’ll ever come back I doubt it but it’s ok, I’m doing F-I-N-E (Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and, Emotional) it’s typical i guess that how i know if its love or not i have asked several people “How do i know its love?” and i found it really simple i am not unhappy that he is infatuated with another but yet sad and have let go because i feel like it is with sand if you just let it stay in your hand untouched free to do what it pleases it will stay there if it chooses so, but if you try to grasp it and hold on to it tightly it will slip between your fingers without a trace and be gone. I figure thats how it is with people you have to let them decide on their own, which is why i have never told him because if i told him he would be pressured to choose which ever was most favorable to me and i don’t want that i want him to be happy who ever wrote this quote probably wrote it before they lost that person, whats really weird is i bet he/ she was never told ahead of time that they were going to loose that person you just simply know and feel it, which is the feeling of peace and insecurity (sorry i’m contradicting) that i’m feeling right now….nice quote though it truly represents this hole in me…

The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.

-Pierre de Coubertin, “The Olympic Creed” Inspired by Bishop Ethelbert Talbot, speech, Olympic Games 1908

I have always found this quote unbearable because i hate the word struggle it’s the kind of word that doesn’t promise too much and i hate that it’s a word that shows no light at the end of the hallway and yet i use struggle to describe my life in so many ways…interesting thats all…

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t keep up, this life of yours is wizzing by at high speed and you feel like your on this tread mill and you keep seeing the same scenery as yesterday it’s just your working much harder to keep up. There are alot of kids my age you simply let go, and what comes with the fall seems to come freedom, i don’t get it. they just let go of all unhappiness and expectations in one single moment, i admire these people because i don’t think i could ever have the courage to do such a thing, in which life becomes so simple. Simplicity is a beautiful word, that people seldom use every once in a while i refer to myself as complicated, but never simple. In this coming age simplicity is unknown, we have high speed internet with numerous technology invented every milla second of our young lives, college acceptance is high. Moral acceptance is low and the suicide rate in this country is increasing. I don’t know about you but our world is getting pretty twisted and well the internet is in a category all on its own we have horrible temptations listed to be clicked and unhappiness is on his way again. When you walk down the street the happy people are not the elderly, nor the enfants (i can tell you that for a fact right now) but it’s us, teens (unlike me) who have decided to embrace the world and take in a life of no strings attached. They’re the ones that know how to have a good time i just simply wish that i could do the same. How do you let go when you have held on so long. I have for many years wanted to travel, I really wanted to go and live in New York for numerous reason but one in particular, I wanted security. Your probably thinking, well thats one crazy girl, security is not found in any New Yorkers wallet let alone on the streets and you are probably right but i dont know if you have ever experienced this (please try it) but imagine when you walk down a street filled with dozen of sucessful people you will understand. New York is such a large city and yet these people walk down the street with not a concern on their mind they are “simply” (i used that word again) ready to take on whatever may come their way, they know where they are going and are willing to go for it. They also seem to have a deep understanding as to where they are going and what their going to do there. They don’t walk with a smile on their face, but with a defiance that they are going to conquer the world and never stop until they do. It sounds silly but that was why i wanted to live in New York. Now i would be happy anywhere but here, you all know that i’m Canadian right people? Well now you do, but if the truth be told I dont want to live here later on in life it sounds weird and it may even sound like i’m abandoning my home country and becoming disloyal, but i’m not it’s just that there are too many painful memories. How can one live in a place where death is found and penetrates the soul like never before? and yet we let go and watch our life in somewhat third person knowing the story will eventually get better or maybe come to an end. I guess it’s kind of sad, the other night i was talking with a good friend of mine and he he called me “extremly secretative” for a moment i challenged him telling him how wrong he was but later on when i really thought about it i learned that he was right (i’m sorry i’m a extremly proud person and would never seriously admit it) but yes he was right i am very secretative and i believe its because i was always told to be quiet and silent especially about certain things. About a week ago i went to an extremly boring sermon at this youth thing, the guy was terrible he talked about how to be yourself and be content with yourself, this all isn’t that bad at all it’s just i took it the wrong way and i don’t even know why (ah maybe it was hormones or something lol) anyways somehow i took this into another context, so i asked him about it (goodness i have a big mouth sometimes) i said, “sir, if i get an F in a class do you expect me to just accept who i am and be content with the grade that i got because that is who i am?” seriously this didn’t make sense (i already did know he was talking about material things but still for some weird reason i wanted to argue and i did) i think the reason i was arguing was because i don’t accept myself for who i am i don’t think anyone does just because he/ she won’t notice me i don’t accept myself etc. i’m telling our world is getting pretty twisted and one day it’s just going to snap! I’m sorrry if i’m being so crazily outspoken and unhappy. I don’t know it’s just i’m stuck in this house like an animal in a cage and everyday i ask my father to go to work with him and he won’t allow me to. He obviously doesn’t want me there. I mean i come over here every once in a while to see if the man has ever changed and he never does he’s still selfish (i’m also very selfish as well maybe thats where i get it from). Well i have other things to worry about like my “L” to drive and book reports and my life. I have never partied before but i am seriously considering it. because i feel extremly locked in and trapped here. I need to get out and see people my own age. see ya later guys….