I have never done this, i have never typed out my thoughts to the world, even though i know the world isn’t exactly listening it is still the same general thing. She can’t read it (which is all that matters) and i can vent lol. My mother is a single mom and she does a pretty good job at it most of the time, but there are times when i am absolutly sure that she is lonely and it bothers me because sometimes she calls me to come and help her with something that is not exactly an emergency at all but just for the sake of calling me when i could be doing something else and yet there are times when i can’t stand her, she loves to use the term stupid (sometimes naive) when refering to me and after a while one begins to believe it because it’s kind of like when kids watch the same thing on tv every single day of their lives and they see drinking and driving and soon one day they will actually participate in this thing. Anyways what i’m really happy about is this blog, because i know no one is reading/ listening to all the stuff i have to say, well maybe not alot of people. I got a question, is God real, i have never actually asked this indepth question because i am a christian and i should seriously never ask such a thing but the problem is when there is a questions there needs an answer (thats at least what i believe). What is it people? how did this world start was it creation or evolution? When you really narrow it down it’s a 50/50 chance of either. Did the egg come before the chicken or the chicken before the egg? What this really narrows down to is beliefs. It’s what you believe (i think) that counts and what you believe that will determine which is right, the problem these days as one man put it, and i quote, “But this is picayunish, and we no longer have time for that. We no longer have time to atomize principles and beg the question. We fill too many gutters while we argue unimportant points and confuse issues.” John Howard Griffin Black Like Me. My problem is that i enjoy filling the gutters just for the sake for filling them. I like to argue about issues that are not even issues lol. A few days ago I asked my mother if i could pierce my ears, i didn’t and don’t exactly want to pierce my ears, what i really wanted to know was what my mother thought of the whole idea. She freaked out! and what i don’t understand not because of me but of our reputation (HELLO!!!!) anyways i argued that people shouldn’t look at appearance etc etc. but still i argued a point that did not need arguing. That brings me to another point why do people judge by appearance. People do that to me alot, and i don’t understand she’s pretty so she’s smart or she’s not good looking enough for me etc etc. I don’t understand people think i am smart but i’m not (at least not to my mom) i’m a regular person, and people like to measure themselves according to me WHY?! I have taken tests on the internet and have come up ADD positive (extremly positive) but their not the most accurate because i took them i just don’t understand why do they measure themselves up to me, i am way below they’re standard? I don’t understand but i read somewhere (i think on a Toby Mac CD) Its not about us and our perfections; it’s about God and his mercy. Well i can understand the right to have different preceptions i do understand someone once told me a story, there was once a car accident and several people saw the accident from different sides of the street, everyone saw that one accident but to them it was each different, so thats what i think i think that every is just seeing me from different sides of the street, because everyone i know knows me differently. I am not the same person. I have changed schools many many times before, from christian school to public school to another christian school to another public school etc. and i have done this only because I wanted another preception of myself with others.
Now my next question, what is love? seriously people is it just some fairtale or happiness for a moment in time? After my father left i was terrified, absolutely terrified of love and almost of friendship. My father is a great guy but back then he used to beat my mom alot, right now he’s just ur average workaholic father with money on his mind. He’s a nice guy but just doesn’t know how to show it all the time and when he does it’s just a front. because he’s one of those guys that like to put on a front for everyone (if you know what i mean). anyways back to this love thing, is it just something that people believe in or what and is it like an arranged marrage where you love the person afteryou marry them? because then i don’t know how much i like this thing. anyways theres this guy that really likes me but i just don’t feel the same way do i take him because theres no one else or what? I once heard that Someone who has never been hurt is either, every lucky or very lonely, but i only heard this recently i could have really used this phrase a while ago lol. I fell in love for the first time this year (scary isn’t it?) yeah well it wasn’t with who i needed it to be i needed it to be this other guy who liked me but it didnt work. So i hid from this guy (a good friend) and masquarded behind the best friend title with him and watched. He’s the kind of guy that you drag yourself to school every morning just to see him if you know what i mean but things didn’t work out he fell in love with another early in the year and it was ok because i was there for him when she left but you live on and love more for tomarrow because you don’t know what it will bring.
I have believed that after college, after high school life would be different i would have a different life i would be on my own free and happy, but a teacher once told me that sure that’s your life, but you can’t anticipate it all you life, because it may never come. She told me that the life i have now is my life nothing before (which was pretty rough that i will not get into) or after. So i want to just say one more thing…. Welcome to my life!
WELCOME TO MY LIFE
~Simple Plan~
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work
It was always there
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it’s like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Anyways i better go i have 9 minutes on this library computer. So i’m signing off dear friend and i’m sorry dear world for typing so much and for you having to read so much (i talk to much i swear) God Bless and i’ll be back (very soon cause i’ll hop on the next computer when available lol) later and wish me luck
~A troubled soul~
